The darkness

It’s back. I never wanted to be here again but I guess its inevitable. It always comes back. Sooner or later it catches up. It does it slowly; subtly.

It creeps in and takes hold of me. It’s, smarter than me and smarter than I’ll ever be.

It’s hold is strong and unyielding, it doesn’t give in.

I can feel it now, it’s dark and cold and powerful. I didn’t notice it at first, but  now I know I’ve been under it’s spell for a long time, longer than I even thought at first. I’m angry; furious that I’m back here again and enraged that it will never truly be gone. Its always there, lurking under the surface, waiting for the right moment to try and take everything away from me. I have to be stronger but some days it just doesn’t feel possible. I know I have to fight but it’s just so hard when you feel like you’re drowning a million miles away from everyone you love.

Depression.

The first step is recognising it. I’ve been burying my head in the sand and not wanting to acknowledge its back again. Ive been wearing the mask for far too long, it’s slipping and I’m crumbling behind it. Yesterday was awful. I finally accepted after many months of trying to be strong that I’m suffering again. I could do nothing but cry. I feel so weak, its too hard to be strong.

Recently I’ve been at the drs to try and find the cause of my tiredness and pain. Every blood test came back clear which left only one reason. I’m depressed. Again.

I wont lie. It’s been a very difficult year, one thing after another, setback after setback. Trying everything to make myself happy but to no avail. The Dr’s have now prescribed me a new antidepressant and i pray it works and quickly. I know I’m going to feel a lot worse before i start to feel better but its a step i have to take. No matter how scary it is.

I alway turn to writing when i feel like this. It’s my way of processing my feelings and the beginning of my fight. I don’t know how long it will take to get back to my version of normal. I hope not long. Everything is just so much harder than it has to be. I’m not even sure if any of this makes sense, i just have to get it out of my head. I have to fight, for her, for me, for my family. It’s not over.

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