I’m not ok

It’s ok not to be ok.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the posts circulating the internet today regarding World Mental Health Day. A day that is not only necessary, but crucial in todays world. It seems every other day we are hit with a story of another person taking their own life, and as devastating and horrific as it is, I fear we as a society are becoming numb to it, and too used to hearing that news.

It needs to change. Too many lives have been have been lost to this, too many families crushed and too many children left without parents.

If you only do one thing today, reach out to someone, ask how they are doing and most of all listen. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to have the answers to their problems, you don’t have to try and fix it, just be present and really really listen.

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The irony of today for me is that its the day I’ve realised that i’m depressed again. I say again, depression never really leaves me. It lulls me into a false sense of security and lets me have a few months, maybe a few years where I feel like I’ve won the battle, but its never really over. It always comes back.

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Today I felt like a failure, and I do every time I feel that dark cloud looming over me. I realise I’ll never truly be free from it. The storm will always be a part of me and thats hard to accept. I can get angry about it and scream and cry and ask “Why me” but that’s not going to help anyone. Because no one will have the answers. I honestly don’t know why I am depressed. I have a great life, a beautiful family and a job I love. What more can I ask for? It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Thats the part that kills me the most. The not knowing, not being able to pinpoint where these feelings come from, and the realisation that I will likely have to increase my antidepressants…again. My goal for this year was to try and decrease them and eventually be weaned off them but that doesn’t look like its going to happen any time soon.

But do you know what I did do? I accepted the truth, I opened up and talked to someone and I’m going to take steps to get better again. I will fight this. I will never give up fighting this and it will never, ever win.

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