It’s a funny thing to find out you’ve been depressed and you didn’t know it. And by funny I mean a bit shit. I guess on some level I knew things weren’t the same as they used to be but in no way did I chalk that up to depression. I thought it was normal to feel and act the way I had been.
At my last CBT appointment I was confronted by the fact that I’ve been depressed for quite a while now. Almost 4 years in fact; since we started trying for Callie. Its strange and upsetting that the only thing I’ve ever really wanted and spent my whole adult life trying to get could cause me to be depressed. I guess its ironic really. Its been suggested that I had Post Natal Depression. Something my midwives and Doctors never picked up on, but then again maybe I was just too good at hiding it. I didn’t even know myself. 4 years is a long time to be depressed, but longer still not to know about it and its shocking that its gone on for so long. I cant help but wonder what our lives would have been like if I had only found out sooner.
I feel like I’ve been robbed of my time with Callie, but not only that I’ve robbed it from myself. It’s awful to get up every single day and know that you have to battle your own brain just to make it out the door. When Callie was born I was so anxious and so depressed that I couldn’t settle and just enjoy her. I forced myself out of the house far too soon after she was born. I felt like I needed to share her with everyone when in reality I should have been hiding away at home in bed with my brand new baby girl and soaking up that newborn smell. I can never get that time back but I can make things better for the future. I can be present and enjoy our time now.
And things are getting better. I’m trying really hard. My therapy seems to be getting me somewhere. When I first started CBT my depression score was a 32 and at my last appointment it was a 4. My anxiety is basically non-existent at the minute and I’m hoping with the tools I’ve learnt I can keep it at bay. I’m learning a lot about myself through CBT and I’m so glad that after so many years I’m finally getting the help I need, but I wish it had been sooner.
It baffles me how I was so badly depressed and legitimately didn’t have the slightest clue that I was. I really worry that it will happen again. That I will spiral and end up back in that dark hole and not be able to even recognise that I’m there let alone escape it.
The weight of wearing a mask has been so draining that now I’m only just learning what its like to have the energy to enjoy life again.I’m somewhat at a loss with what to do with my free time. Mostly its watching TV and colouring in swear words but I want to do something more productive with my time. I just don’t know what.