I’ve started to realise one thing about myself. The only way I ever seem to truly be able to move on from something or start to really understand it is to write it all down. It’s not going to be easy I know but I need this, if only to get a break from my own head.
As some of you know I suffer from anxiety. For those of you who don’t really understand what that means; I’m incredibly jealous of you. You don’t know how truly lucky you are. Those of you who do understand, I’m sorry. There is nothing more exhausting than battling with your own brain day in and day out.
Im considering myself lucky though. For a long time (almost a year) my anxiety has been minimal. I’ve gone for so long without a panic attack that I had forgotten what they were like. I have to say I didn’t miss them one little bit.
Something happened recently that I wont get into for many reasons, but it has set me on edge and put my anxiety through the roof. So much so that my Dr felt it was necessary that I be signed off work for two weeks and increase my medication.
I’m actually getting palpitations writing this, I wish I could explain why but I cant. I don’t understand it. I was fine, I was happy and now all I really feel like doing it hiding under a blanket and crying. I’m angry that this has come back to me. I really thought I was over this and that I won the war but I guess not. I’m starting to realise that I wont ever win, this is something I will probably battle against my whole life. I’m trying to be strong but as the days go on I find myself getting worse and not better.
I tried today though. I took Callie to a shopping centre to wait for Jenny to finish work, I really believed I would be fine. I was going to get a cup of tea, wander about the shops and it would be lovely. WRONG!!
I should have known better. There I was about 30lbs heavier than I would like to be, my hair badly needing done, no makeup and in a jumper I’m not entirely sure was clean… in a sea of yummy mummies. Perfect hair and makeup, designer prams and didn’t look like they’d ever been pregnant a day in their lives. Fuck me.
If that wasn’t enough to send me into a tailspin there were so many people. I could feel myself getting more and more tense I just walked around for 40 mins trying not to bump into someone and trying to find somewhere remotely quiet. I was never as glad to see Jenny coming down the steps. I feel safe with her, like nothing bad is going to happen. She’s been my rock lately, I honestly would be lost without her.
I can only hope that the increase in my tablets takes effect soon because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain is going 1 million miles an hour and I can’t do anything to stop it. On the plus side I appear to have stopped crying, so thats good I suppose. Although after all the tears I shed on Monday i’m surprised I didn’t end up in hospital with dehydration. I’m not sure if I can move past this though. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone at the minute. I worry my every move is being dissected and critiqued. I’m scared i’ll say something that someone will take the wrong way and I can feel myself slipping back into that awful dark place. It happened today actually, where my mind tries to trick me and pull me down. I was in a shop and someone was laughing, I know they weren’t but my brain tried to convince me that it was me they were laughing at.
I was contacted by a reporter recently who wanted to film a piece on marriage equality and I am so upset that I had to turn him down. It’s something I feel very strongly about but with the way my brain is at the minute I don’t feel brave enough or strong enough to speak publicly. I’m annoyed that my mental illness is taking these opportunities away from me but I just know i’m not in the right headspace to deal with the backlash, something that’s guaranteed when you speak about these issues.
I feel sick all the time, I want to hide until this is all over and then I look at Callie. I don’t want her to go through this and I worry that by seeing me like this, she’ll suffer too. I hate myself for that. I don’t want her to ever have a care in the world. I know thats not possible but I feel the need to fiercely protect her from what I go through.
She’s the one thing (other than Jenny) that’s really getting me through the day. I’m grateful that my time off means I get to spend more time with her, and really see her.
She is the most wonderfully funny, cheeky little madam I’ve ever met and she’s surprised me this last week. I really see her growing up and changing before my eyes. She is the sweetest girl and I cant believe she’s all mine.
I wish I could end this post on a positive note and say I’m going to be fine. But I can’t promise that. I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know is that I’m going to try, and that I’m not going down without a fight.