Time is not so slowly running out. The days seem to whizz by so quickly and I’m struggling to make the most of what time I have left.
Maternity Leave is almost over. Fuck.
How did this happen? It feels like yesterday Callie was making her way into this crazy world and now she’s almost ready to start nursery. I’m trying to enjoy every last second I have with her while it’s just the two of us but there always seems to be something to do. I really thought I’d be super productive while I was on maternity leave. I thought I’d have the house completely spotless and organised (HA! So long as I can make a path to the bathroom and back through mountains of clothes, I call that a win) Which, by the way… Why do I always have stacks of clothes to put away yet nothing, besides some slightly too snug (folding my fat into them), jeans and a few baggy t-shirts to wear?? I don’t understand! *tucks into family sized bar of chocolate* ugh. Genuinely have no idea…
Anyway! Yes, Maternity leave is almost over *wails like a banshee* I’m due back at work in 31 days, 13 hours and 35 seconds…give or take. Not that i’m counting… someone pass me a vodka! I genuinely didn’t think it would come around so soon. I need someone to find me a Time Turner and send it my way. I want to go back to the squishy, no sleep newborn days and do it all over again.
I debated back and forth about going back Part-Time, Full-Time or just running away and hiding with Callie. I came to the conclusion that while lovely ideas; two of them wouldn’t be possible. Guess which ones?
I’m going to be a Full Time Working Mummy and I could cry at the thought of it. It’s not that I don’t love my job, believe me I do. I just don’t want anyone but me or Jenny to look after my baby girl. She’s the most precious thing in the world to us and it kills me that I have to pay someone else to care for her, while I do the same thing with other people’s children. It just doesn’t make much sense to me. At this point I should probably point out for those of you that don’t know or haven’t figured it out yet, I work in childcare.
Callie will be coming with me to the nursery I work at 40 hours a week. That’s a long time to spend anywhere let alone somewhere totally new to her. She’s spent time away from me with my family, but that’s different. She knows them, she’s grown up with them, she doesn’t know this place or the people she will now spend the majority of her time with. Don’t get me wrong, I trust the girls in the Baby Room with all my heart, they are amazing at what they do, but I’m jealous. I want it to be me she looks for when she cries, I want to feed her and change her and rock her over to sleep. I want to see her stand and walk and talk for the first time and the reality is I probably wont. I know in the long run so long as she’s reaching her milestones that’s the most important thing but she’s my baby and I don’t want to share.
This maybe doesn’t seem like a big deal to most of you, I’m sure you’re thinking, “Well you’re only down the hall, sure you can pop in and see her whenever you want” and yes, you have a point. But i’m going to be so close to her and not be able to see her or care for her, i’ll hear her babble and laugh and cry and want to be right there beside her but I wont be allowed. It’s like I’m being taunted. She’ll be so near, yet so far and I already hate the thought of it.
At least Jenny can separate herself from it. She goes to work safe in the knowledge that Callie is being taken care of and she can focus on her job. I’m not sure i’ll find it so easy.
Callie is my best friend. I spend all day, every day with her, and I don’t know how i’m going to cope when that’s ripped away from me. By the time we get home every night i’ll maybe have an hour or two to spend with her before bedtime and then we’ll wake up and do it all over again.
However I am looking forward to having a bit of extra money. Struggling to make ends meet has been the only part of Maternity Leave that’s been a bit of a bummer. Well, that and me going a liiiiitle crazy. Oh if you missed that you can
read about it here.
Promise i’m not a psycho. Well. Not any more at least!
So for right now, I’m dreading it. I don’t want this next month to go fast, although I know it will. Who knows though, I may love being back, I might run in the door, throw Callie in the Baby Room without so much as a kiss goodbye. I doubt it though. She’s my world and I’m gutted to be leaving this chapter behind.
Anyone fancy lending me a few thousand? I suddenly would love another baby…