Where do I even start? My poor little corner of the internet has been severely neglected recently, although having a baby pretty much takes up every spare second of your time and every last ounce of energy…who knew?!
It’s been four months since my last blog post and a LOT has happened. I really should just start by saying Callie is thriving. She’s almost 7 months (how did that even happen!?) and we couldn’t be prouder of her; she is the most amazing baby. I know every parent thinks their baby is the most incredible and most beautiful in the world but I genuinely think Callie is! She is so happy and easy-going (most days) and definitely takes that after Jenny. Thank God so far she hasn’t seemed to inherit my need to stress over every little thing, although in saying that there isn’t much a 6 month old has to worry about besides eating and pooping…
Me on the other hand? I could take the gold medal in stressing. Seriously – I’ve been training my whole life!
Some of you may remember I started trying to lose the baby weight around the time of my last blog post. To begin with it went great, I lost 12 lbs but don’t worry, those little fuckers and a few of their friends found me at the bottom of a “share bag” of Doritos.
Well that’s when things started to head south for me. Sure it was great feeling a little better in my clothes and not looking like a hippo that has escaped from the zoo, but mentally it started to take a toll.
At first I didn’t even realise there was a problem, I have a tendency to blindly ignore a situation and hope it goes away and I think my brain has gotten so used to it that it does me a solid and wipes it from my memory. So here I was, wandering around in blissful ignorance while my world crumbled around me.
I knew after having Callie (and while I was pregnant) I was a little hormonal but I didn’t understand the full extent of what had been happening until Halloween night.
Everything was going great, we’d just gotten back from a brilliant weekend in Belfast with my friends and their babies and we had planned to go out that night for Halloween. On the drive back home I noticed my mood was starting to dip. I had been on such a high all weekend and was so looking forward to our night out together so I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling it. I tried to shake it off and pull myself together, Halloween is mine and Jenny’s favourite night of the year, and was our 4th anniversary a few days earlier so it’s always the perfect night to celebrate and let our hair down, or so I thought.
Apart from the rain it started off good, we went for a few drinks, met up with some friends, it was fun! But something with me wasn’t right and I couldn’t put my finger on it. At first I thought it was from the weekend being exhausting and tried to ignore it and that worked until a guy in a really fucking creepy mask crept up behind me and wouldn’t get out of my face. I started to get really annoyed and shaky; I was on the verge of tears. So not like me! I love Halloween and seeing everyone’s costumes, it’s always a great night but for whatever reason this shook me. I put it aside but not 15 minutes later my friend, not realising what had just happened, snuck up on me and scared me. I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. It came out of nowhere but it literally was the straw that broke the
hippo’s camels back.
After that night I knew something wasn’t right and I started to think back to the months before and how I had been behaving, I’m shocked I didn’t see it sooner.
Jenny kept reassuring me that I was fine and things weren’t as bad as what I thought they were so I ignored it, put it down to a really bad night and went on with our lives. Until one day where I knew I had to change or I would lose everyone I loved for good.
I can’t even remember how or why it started but Jenny and I got into an argument, these seem to be happening more frequently since having Callie and more often than not over the smallest thing. Of course it was always everyone else’s fault but mine…
This fight was the worst we had ever had, so much so that I left Jenny with the baby, got in the car and drove away. I have never in my life even been tempted to do that and I’m so ashamed that I did. I honestly don’t know what possessed me to do it but I just got the urge to run (lets face it that wasn’t going to happen!!) So I drove instead.
I drove to the woods, sat in my car and cried like I’ve never cried before. I was scared. I couldn’t control my emotions or my actions and I didn’t know why. These outbursts had happened a few times since having Callie. I don’t really know how to explain them other than it was like I was having an out-of-body experience and watching some other crazy bitch try to sabotage my life. I would literally see red and explode, not caring who I hurt with my vicious words.
As I sat in the car all I could picture was the look on Jenny’s face when I handed her the baby. It wasn’t hate, or anger which wouldn’t have been half as bad. She was hurt. Hurt to the point she didn’t have the energy to fight me any more. What was the point? She couldn’t win.
And suddenly a new emotion came crashing down on me. Shame. What have I done?? This is the woman I love. How dare I make anyone feel like that, let alone her. I rushed back to the house and called Jenny from outside, I asked her to come out and talk to me. My mum was inside so she watched Callie while we went for a drive. I couldn’t even speak until we parked somewhere quiet.
And even then I didn’t know what to say, we sat in silence for a while before I broke down crying. I sobbed and Jenny held me. If it had been the other way around I don’t know if I would have done the same. She is one in a million, the kindest person i’ve ever met, I absolutely do not deserve her.
I apologised and told her I was scared and that I was going to get help, she hugged me tight but I was scared she was about to let go for good.
I made an appointment for the Dr and thankfully got seen shortly after. I was terrified of going, I didn’t want them to take my baby away. I was scared she’d think I was mentally unstable or not capable of looking after my daughter when in fact she had nothing to do with my feelings.
At first the Dr thought it might have been PND but I disagreed, I’ve been depressed before and this was definitely not it. I’d been thinking back on my mood and it always seemed to crash after i’d been really happy. I was literally on an emotional rollercoaster. She diagnosed me with PMS. I can almost hear you all scoffing, trust me I did too. I never realised just how severe it could be and just how much it could tear you apart. She went through a list of treatment options and we decided together that antidepressants would be the best option for me.
Walking out of that Dr’s office I felt so much lighter. I left my emotional baggage at her door and for the first time in a long time I felt free. I knew it would still be a long road to getting my head sorted out but at least I now knew why. It was awful when I thought I was just going bat-shit crazy and for no good reason. These last few months have been incredible. I haven’t had a really down day since starting my tablets, I haven’t had any uncontrollable bouts of anger and I finally feel like me again. Not just Callie’s mummy or Jenny’s fiancée, but Sarah. It’s so good to be back.