The next few weeks after our failed IUI were the worst in my life. I completely shut myself off from everyone and spent the majority of my time crying. I didn’t even want to be around Jenny and she was trying to process it too. I just couldn’t bring myself to be in the company of others; I just didn’t care. I feel bad for how I reacted and even worse that Jenny was left to pick up the pieces while she was struggling too. She really is my rock and while she was trying to put me back together that’s when we grew stronger. She wouldn’t be beaten by our failure, if it took a year or two years of saving and trying we would get there and thanks to her (sometimes annoying) positive attitude we did.
We had been too open with everyone the first time, there were very few people who didn’t know we were trying for a baby and knew every detail of the process. While it was nice at the time to talk about it, it now meant that everyone knew that it didn’t work. And that just made dealing with it 10 times harder. Everyone tried to be helpful and maybe didn’t realise that what they were saying was actually just digging the knife in further. We got a lot of people saying, “Sure you could always adopt?” While that would be a lovely thing to do its not as easy as flipping through a catalogue and saying “yep I’ll take the one on page 32, next day delivery please!”. We had considered adoption of course but to me that felt like a last resort. I want to some day please don’t get me wrong but I didn’t feel like we were there yet. I was struggling with the fact that again my body had let me down and to hear adoption so casually thrown around was incredibly hurtful to me. Like oh well it didn’t work the first time so just give up and adopt. We had put so much time and effort into IUI that I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to go through years of heartache that adoption could bring, not just yet.
Another thing we often heard (and the most offensive) was
“Just go and sleep with some random man and get pregnant that way”
While you may not see what’s wrong with that sentence, believe me, I do. Let me break it down.
First and foremost:- you may have missed it but I’M GAY!! My gold star is nice and shiny thank you very much. No boys for me!!
Second:- Are you kidding me??? You’re basically telling me to go and cheat on my fiancée! No I won’t sleep with anyone else, Male or Female. If it had been a straight couple who were struggling with infertility you wouldn’t advise the woman to go and sleep with a stranger so please don’t tell me to. Our relationship is just as valid as theirs.
Third:- as we’ve discovered my stupid ovaries don’t quite work the way they should without a little help. So it wouldn’t work anyway and I would be traumatised for no good reason.
Fourth:- our reason for choosing a fertility clinic in the first place was that it allows Jenny to be the baby’s legal second parent. As we aren’t married, it means she will have her name on the birth certificate as soon as the baby is born.
Sorry. I went on a bit of a rant there but I felt it was necessary to say that. All too often we heard that sentence and I politely smiled and shrugged my shoulders. Please, please, please if you know of someone going through this process do not say that to them!! They will have considered all options before going to a clinic and it’s the last thing they want to hear, it’s incredibly offensive. To those of your just starting out try not to let what other people say bring you down, I’m sure everything we heard was well intended and no one meant to cause us any added stress.
Like I said before this journey definitely has its ups and downs and you never know what’s around he corner, thankfully we had a fairy godmother looking out for us and the next few months would be the best of our lives.p